My Nan

Today I visited my dear Nan! Sadly she wasn’t there but for the first time in years I saw a glimmer of recognition in her bright eyes. My Nan is one of the many who has been invaded by the cruel illness Alzheimer’s. She sits in her chair visibly wasting away. Sometimes we visit and she is cross and shouts random words, mostly her own name and the word ‘No’, sometimes we visit and we can’t get her to open her eye. Sometimes she looks pale and ill and other days she looks brighter and smiley.

Today was a bright and smiley day. The carer said that it was a good day for her which meant that she would eat when they came to feed her. She is totally helpless, not able to do anything for herself, it is no life for a once head strong loving woman! I always come away feeling sad and frustrated, never a visit without shedding a tear. But today I have a new feeling! Today I fear that, just maybe, she can hear us and does, some where, deep inside her mind recognise us, but she just doesn’t have the ability to let us know. I sat and rubbed cream into her hands and she squeezed me in a way she never has before and just sat and held my hand for a while. It was so lovely, so peaceful, yet so unexpected as she doesn’t normally react in any way except anger when I have done this in the past. Today it was as if she was looking at us and taking us all in. She smiled at each of us and stayed awake for our whole visit. There was something different about her, I felt some kind of tiny connection. I always thought it would be a nice feeling to know she knew we were there, but as we travelled home I felt fear for her, as if she does know then how horrific must it be to be trapped inside your own mind not able to talk to the people you love? Like I said Alzheimer’s is a cruel disease and one we may never fully understand the extent of.

I miss my Nan everyday. I hate the fact that she is here but is not, but most of all I love that special lady, MY NAN, with all my heart.

Spirits are visiting…

Now some of you are going to think I am completely mad and others may be freaked out by this, but you know me, I like to share, and being a believer in the after life it doesn’t worry me in the slightest!

There have been some strange things going on in my home over the last couple of weeks. As you have probably gathered I have put it down to a visit from the spirit world. Having a Sister, Brother, Grandmother, Grandfather, Uncle and Mother-in-law all in the spirit world I am quite convinced one of them have been to see us.

The incidence that has touched me the most was when I put Noah down for a nap in his crib upstairs. It was quite warm so I decided not to snuggle him in with his blanket and just laid it very loosely over his legs. After about 5 minutes he started to moan a little and gradually began to cry, as I went to get up, he stopped, I waited for a moment to see if he was going to start again but it went quiet so I left him. Half an hour later I decided to go and check on him and when I went in the room he was almost perfectly swaddled in the blanket that I had left loosely laying over his legs. I was shocked and then started questioning myself. Had I done that and just not remembered – the thing is I would never of wrapped him like that and it was so neatly done that you could not really imagine him wriggling himself into that position in the blanket. Anyway he slept contented and I am more than happy at the thought of one of our loved ones watching over him and making sure he is safe.

Other things have happened too. The most prominent one being that we have a children’s table and chairs in the playroom and the girls have a tendency to move the chairs into the kitchen so they can climb up and reach things. It really annoys me as they always just leave the chairs when they have got wha they want. Anyway, normal day, walk into the kitchen to find small chair in front of the fridge. Had my normal moan about ‘if you move the chairs can you put them back when you are finished’, whilst I placed the said chair back at the little table in the playroom. We then got our coats and headed out. When we returned the chair was in the middle of the playroom! No one had been in the house since I put the chair back.  To confirm it wasn’t just me, Ella questioned what the chair was doing there, and how did it get there as she had watched me put it back. No reason why it would be moved other than someone wanted to let us know they had been there I believe!

I have had experiences like this for years and am very happy with my believes about these events. It brings me great comfort from such sad losses. I know some believe it is all in my mind and there is a perfectly reasonable explanation as to how these things actually happened, but for me this is what I want to believe. I tell my children too as I don’t want them to be scared or worried about the prospect of ghosts and spirits. I think because they hear me talk about it and see how at ease I am about it all it is perfectly normal to them. I have always been very open about death and my believes about where we go and why we leave this earth that they just take it in their stride. I don’t want it to be a taboo or sad topic in our home and I want to open the door for the girls to come to be about their worries around this subject. I grew up with a massive fear of death and dying and remember how torturous it was. I don’t want them to grow up before their time, but I want them to be fearless of things that are beyond our control.