My grief trigger…

I have learnt something new about myself today in the most unexpected place. Madison and I had a lovely morning together and then headed out, our destination, Wembley Arena featuring Disney On Ice Princesses & Heroes. Madison was dressed as Rapunzel and looked like a doll, brimming with excitement. As we sat and the lights dimmed, the music came in and out of no where it started. It starts with a burn in my throat and then gradually my skin starts to warm and I sense I have blotches appearing on my neck. My stomach knots and the only way I can describe it is like a hollow feeling takes my body. And then as the spot like appeared and the performers took the ice, a few tears rolled down my cheek. Today I realised there is a distinct pattern to this reaction – it only ever happens at the opening of live Disney performances or during instrumental firework displays. ‘Hormonal softie’ some may think, but today a light has been switched on in my head. It all clicked into place. That feeling, the tears, it is my grief! The grief that will always live inside me but, if anyone had asked before today, I would have said didn’t stir anymore. However, I was wrong it does stir and this is it’s trigger. As I sat and thought about why it made me feel like this I realised they really were tears of grief. It wasn’t tears of joy at the spectacle in front of me or of a happy memory that these performances reminded me of, it is pure grief for the loss of my Sister and Brother.

They have been gone for 20 years now and I miss them terribly, but as you do, I live with it. My life is so very different now and although they still feature in photos in my house and my children know their names, I don’t feel sadness when I look at them or talk about them and I don’t mark their anniversaries anymore. I have spent the rest of my day pondering why these shows cause me to feel so sad and open up the wound. I have decided it can only be because my happiest memories of my Sister, Emma and Brother, Jon were our three family holidays to Florida. Emma and Jon were terminally ill and in and out of hospital their whole lives. The power of Disney is amazing. Each visit we made it was like a vail of darkness was lifted. They were like different children. It didn’t matter how ill they were those trips raised them up! They laughed, they walked, they loved every minute and it was the best family time we shared together, hence the three trips The fourth was booked but they passed away before we made it. It was like we all forgot for those few hours that we were in the parks watching the parades and fireworks. We were in a perfect bubble, where dreams do come true!

Whilst these memories are my happy ones I think being back in the bubble makes it all too real again and reminds me of what I, and they have lost. Rather than just enjoying it, it makes me want to travel back to that time and re-live those perfect moments when we were a normal family of five having the time of our lives. It is, the one, painful reminder that stabs my heart and makes me long for their company once more.

Cash for my trash

There is a bit of a running joke amongst some of my friends that ‘if it’s not nailed down or totally essential then Nic will sell it’! I have to admit there may be an element of truth to it! I like to say that I am very green and just like to recycle!!! In a house with three children we have a high turn over of clothes and toys. I have never really been a hoarder and in what has been the worst recession on record why not try to make some money out of something that is no longer needed. Maybe I take this to extremes as I have actually sold our broken beyond repair Flat Screen TV on Ebay and got a healthy £45 for it (when the guy turned up to pick it up we asked why he wanted it and it turned out he was a trainee TV technician so wanted it for practice). It is true even things that you consider rubbish are worth listing on Ebay. You never know who may want what you don’t and are prepared to pay for it! Ebay is now free to list if you are starting your item at 99p. I have been Ebaying for 7 years now and would recommend it to anyone! Once you know what you are doing it is quick and easy and you can make money easily. My best Ebay story has to be when we got £100 for a set of French doors that we removed from the back of our house when we had an extension. My husband was going to stick them in the skip, but me being me wouldn’t let him without giving them a go on Ebay. I started them at 99p and 7 days later we were £100 richer! This is why I love it! The down side has to be all the trips to the post office. You also need to have the time to photograph and list items which can be time-consuming!
My latest find is selling pages on Facebook. These are fab, set up my Mums for the towns they live in. You literally load your photos up to the page put the amount you want for it and wait for a taker. The person then comes to your home with cash and take it away. This is my new addiction and, in my opinion, more cost-effective, quicker and easier than eBay. There are no fees at all, no posting and the photos upload really quickly. It is very fast-moving and I find you list something and it goes within 15 minutes. The down side is that it isn’t an auction so you only ever get your asking price and often people will try to knock you down, but I am quite hard and tend to stick to my pricing. I use my local one Aylesbury Kids stuff and also a neighbouring town Thame Kids Stuff. I would recommend you look into this and if you don’t have one in your maybe consider setting one up.

Another favourite of mine is Musicmagpie! This is a better option than Ebay if you want to sell CD’s and DVD’s. It is so easy, you just log in to the site enter the bar codes from the back of the CD or DVD case and it will tell you how much they will pay for it, there is even an app for your iPhone where you just scan the bar code. You have to do a minimum of 10 items. If you accept what they offer you, you confirm the transaction and they either email or post you Free post labels for you items. Then pop them in the post and when they receive and check that they are in working order they credit your account with the money. You don’t tend to get much on Ebay for CD’s and DVD’s unless they are rare and they don’t let you charge p&p so you have to pay for that yourself. That makes this much better as you only have to provide a jiffy bag and send it to a free post address. I have found price’s ranger from 30p up to £10 for items.

These are definitely sites that you should use if you have things you no longer need or just need to de-junk. Nothing is rubbish, even if it is to you, there will always be someone out there that will want it, even if they are on the other side of the world. You’d be amazed! You can boost you house hold income by a couple of hundred pounds (tax free) a month if you have the stuff, the patience and the time!! In the last 3 weeks I have raised enough by doing this to purchase a bunk bed, 2 sets of draws, 2 sets of bedding, 2 lamps, 2 shelves and the paint needed to redecorate our daughters bedroom all from the comfort of my own home. Feeling pretty pleased with myself at the moment!

Mummy knows best…

So my morning started with a conversation with Madison that went something like this –

Madison; “Mummy can I take my Zooball to school today with its little house?”

Mummy; “No Madi you can’t take it to school as it has too many little bits!”

Madison; “but other children take them to school”

Mummy; “no because it will get lost and then you will be very sad”

Madison (screaming at the top of her voice); “You are so mean Mummy, I AM going to take it!”

Mummy; “calm down Madi we have to walk out the door in 5 minutes so please get your shoes on”

Madi then continued to cry and inform me of what a terrible mother I am and how everyone else’s mum lets them take what they want to school. I carried on getting ready ignoring the 4-year-old throwing a 2-year-old style tantrum in the middle of the dining room. I soon realised if I had any hope of getting her out of the door I was going to have to come to some sort of compromise. I am normally a Mum of my word and don’t back down (which is why she went into the you’re a mean Mummy routine so quickly) but I do believe in picking my battles and a Tuesday morning school run is not the time to go head to head with my very strong-willed daughter. My compromise was that she could take the Zooball but had to leave its house and clothes at home. Not completely satisfied, but understanding that me backing down even slightly was very rare, she put on  her shoes and coat and reduced her screams to a wail for the walk to school.

I handed the sobbing Madison over to Miss Parker at the gate, funnily enough Madison managed to stop wailing long enough to tell said teacher that Mummy had made her sad by being so mean! Miss Parker proceed to guide Madi towards the door whilst listening to her tale of woe. I walked away and forgot all about it.

As normal the day flies by and before you know it you are back at the school gate on the home leg of the school run. The children all file out in the normal fashion, and I stand waiting for Madison. She is right at the back of the line and comes out with her head hung low – never a good sign. She got to me, looked up and burst into tears! “What’s wrong?” I asked and would you believe what her answer was?!?!?!?! “I’ve lost my Zooball Mummy!” Need I say anymore????????

Nearly New

Today I have been working at a Nearly New sale in Marlow. The hall was packed to the brim with pre-loved goods and then there was me with my Smallprint stand and a local photographer! It was pouring with rain, yet people were queuing to get in 15 minutes before the doors were due to open. Some of the Mums at this event were super organised and had all their items individually wrapped in clear plastic bags with a pricing label, other looked more like a jumble sale, but what you couldn’t fault was the excellent quality of everyone’s items. Most looked brand new. I think you could have found almost any baby product imaginable among the 20 odd stands that filled the hall today. It was mostly girls clothes but unlucky for me, the stand I was next to was all baby boy stuff. I resisted for just over an hour and then caved in and ended up buying some lovely Baby Gap and H&M bits, some of them were brand new and still had the labels on. This is the down side of working events where other people are selling, you end up spending. However, can’t moan as I got some great bargains and still came home with a very tidy profit so good day all round.

Not that I am a snob or anything but I had never thought to go and look for children’s clothes at a nearly new sale! Today has opened my eyes to a great way to pick up some lovely bits at a fraction of the cost. I was really surprised at the constant stream of very yummy mummy’s with their designer pushchairs and changing bags purchasing pre-loved clothes and toys. Maybe this is how they afford the fancy shoes!?!?!?!